Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Artsy Fartsy Auteurs Drop in Death's Path



Beginning with the death of American director Robert Altman late last year, the Grim Reaper has been been gaining speed on his '07 "Death to Fancy Pants Directors Tour." In a surprising double showing on the European leg of his tour, the Hooded Horror claimed the souls of Swedish director Ingmar Berman and Italian Director Michaelangelo Antononioni yesterday.

Known for being elusive and quiet, it wasn't until Mr. Reaper stopped for a beer at a bar in Manitoba while trolling for Guy Maddin that he granted an interview. "I've existed since the beginning of time," the scythe bearing spirit quipped. "There's not a lot I haven't seen, so it's rare when something provokes an emotional reaction. But these mother fuckers," he continued, referencing his most recent project. "Create such dry intellectual moody existential bullshit that I just feel bad I didn't take care of this back in the early '70's."

Grim continued drinking and ranting into the night, gathering an international crowd of journalists around him in an impromptu press conference. He provided dates for his upcoming tour locations which he forbid most people to reveal until after the fact. After a while he noticed my American Press Corps creditentals and pointed at me with a bony finger. "And you. American." He hissed. "I won't reveal any trade secrets, but let's just say P.T. Anderson needs to watch out for any fast cars. That asshole's had me coming for a long time."

Friday, July 27, 2007

I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS!!



Disney is currently in negotiations with Beyonce for her to star in a 2008 film production of Elton John's Aida along with...

Christina Aguilera!!!

OMFG!!

GROSSS



That's right everybody.

BILK

Beer

and milk

The Japanese are nuts.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart



Monday evening I brought my work laptop home from the bank to get some stuff done in my jammies on Tuesday. But then I set the suitcase it was in down to tie my shoes...and walked all the way home without it. Once I raced back to the site I had put it down, the case was gone (of course). Tuesday I had to call SPD and file a report, tell the bank security people, and worse tell my boss that my computer was gone because I had to tie my shoe and was forgetful. AADDRUUURRRRR.

But it's all good because luckily a very nice man named Tim found my computer and picked it up off the sidewalk so no one with bad intentions would walk away with it. HURRAY!! I'm now typing this on my found laptop and feeling very good about just how much I love everything right now, despite my own personal goofiness.

Thanks so much Timothy, whereever you are!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Oh...My...God

Consider the source...i.e. pornotube. Obviously NOT work safe.


Netflix it yo!



Hey there, let's be netflix buddies. Click on this link and you get to see what Matty's watching.

http://www.netflix.com/BeMyFriend/PRrDFij0BqmHRnzYXhqS

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

FABULOUS (at any age)



Why this hasn't been turned into a PNSexplosion skit, I'll never know.

Found this after viewing the latest post on The Daily Purge Blog

Whatever Floats Your Boat



I thought the wrestling video at the Cuff last night was a bit much, but jesus mary...

Makes me want a pretzel.

Drew Carey to play Edna Turnblad...Wait, That Movie Already Came Out



Due to a miscommunication with his agent and multiple issues with his Comcast internet conncection, stand up comedian and sit-com star, Drew Carey (above), has spent the past year binging in an attempt to claim the coveted musical role of Edna Turnblad in the new Hairpray movie. "When my agent first mentioned the project to me, he seemed to imply that I would be a natural play Edna. So I started eating." Taking tips from his show co-star who played Mimi Bobeck, Carey started on a regimne of junk food and Dairy Queen Blizzards which he referred to as his "protien shakes."

Please close to the star inform us that when he saw a preview for the movie featuring John Travolta filling the moomoo that has been occupied by other sexually bent like Bruce Villance and, most famously Divine, Carey threw his bucket of chicken at the television shouting. "That's fucking bullshit!"

But whenever God closes a window, he opens a door and Mr. Carey has been tapped to replace Bob Barker as host of the long running game show, The Price is Right.

"I've got 3 months to loose the weight," the 49 year old said. "I don't think it'll be a problem getting back into my old 40 inch pants. And I'll do it with out any of those twinkle toe moves Mr. Saturday Night Fever does in that dreadful performance."

Monday, July 23, 2007

Baby Steps...



I'm a little bummed this didn't get a bit more coverage but...what are you gonna do. Anyway, a month after Seattle Pride celebation, the domestic partnership law went into effect here in Washington State.

Hurray, we're almost being treated as complete equals. woooo!

I always have mixed feelings about great progresive things like this because, while it's wonderful that we're making such progress in civil rights but it's complete bullshit that we have fight for this progress in the first place.

Though I guess I can understand people's fear of the unknown. On last night's Channel 4 news they interviewed a gay couple where one of them played organ in the church and another was one of those gloved handbell performer for their church. Thank God we've been banned from having the same rights as everyone else, I can understand how this



could terrify even the most liberal of conservatives.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Why I'm Going Straight to Hell...



...because when I look at this tragic picture of Tammy Faye, all I think is, Jerri Blank's really let herself go.

I'm really really an awful person.

Seriously, please send your prayers and thoughts and all those good things her way. She's obviously really sick and the cancer is inoperable. Everyone go out and rent "Through the Eyes of Tammy Faye" and see why this hard core Christian woman is also such a beautiful gay icon

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Surprise Me Damnit!



The clock's ticking down as nerds around the world await the final Harry Potter book to be released at midnight Friday night! There's various spoilers and even a link to what claims to be pictures someone took of every page in the book and can be read that way. Though rumor has it, that's actually poorly written fan fiction.

I wouldn't know because -- even though I was sent the link -- I clicked it to see where it lead and as soon as I saw an open book, I closed the window. I've never done the bookstore raid, grabbing the book as fast as possible, racing home with it, wrapping myself up in my blanket and blazing through the book as fast as possible while cramming junk food and caffiene in my face. And I don't want the experience ruined!

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Break Out The LA Gear High Tops



Apparently the new innovation in graphic design is to pretend it's 1988. Above is the logo for the 2012 London Olympics. Makes me want to play Super Mario 3.

Happy Birthday Disneyland!!



You're 52 today. Don't look a day over FIFTY! FIFTY YEARS OLD!!

*sigh* Remember when Molly Shannon was on SNL? I feel old.

I need to stop doing blow before I post.

Can anyone tell me where I can find the ride in the picture above? I didn't know that Disney catered to adults in that way.

Monday, July 16, 2007

My roommates.com Profile


Anyone need a roomie in Los Angeles starting March 1st?

Didn't See That Cuming



With all the hype surrounding soccer player David Beckham's arrival in America, very little press has been paid to the ol' switcher-roo played by a gay Los Angeles lawyer. Fred Nelson, 36, is a member of the West Hollywood Nancys and was actively involved with Mr. Beckham's contract negotiations. Proving that even lawyers don't read the fine print, Mr. Nelson snuck in a clause on the 73rd page of the contract which reads "Mr. Beckham will also be involved with the minority community whenever possible and as such will perform for the Nancys on every day ending in a "y."

That's right folks, David Beckham is finally playing for our team!

Yum!

Friday, July 13, 2007

I'm On To You Ms. Richie!


So Nicole Richie is fighting to push back her DUI trial just weeks into a supposed pregnancy. Hmmm...

Even though she hasn't had a period in 2 years, she wants us to think she's a mother? Should someone tell her that everybody's seen Chicago and being pregnant won't actually keep you out?

Life is not a musical Nikki!

Idiot.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Paul's a DOUCHE!



As promised in the episode we taped last night (but might not be posted yet), my e-mail about how big a douche my associate Paul is.

****

From: Smith, Matt W.
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 8:18 AM
To: PAUL (accidentally)
Subject: Paul's a Douche
Importance: High


Thought you'd get a kick out of this. Three points, first this is the fifth or sixth time he's contacted me with this info. Second, he's not using outlook or even evite which is a much easier way to track this stuff. And third, my favorite, the importance of High Priority.

Sweet Christ on a crutch...

Thanks,
Matt




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Paul
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 8:15 AM
To:
Subject: Serafina
Importance: High


Please let me know if you plan to attend, I have the following:

(LIST OF NAMES)

That is a total of 10 people, let me know if you WILL NOT be able to attend. The dinner time is at 6:30 PM and the reservations will be under PAUL'S REAL NAME.

Nordstrom cards are my favorite this time of year!


*****

Am I right ladies?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007



Little Tommy Johnson was officially declared the saddest child ever on Monday, when his colorful bunch of balloons was torn from his grasp by a strong wind and floated over the mountains.

Johnson, 7, has not been able to stop crying in the 24 hours since the incident occured. "I...just...want...my...balloons...back," he hiccoughed as he wiped his face with a worn looking teddy bear. While his parents have given up trying to retrieve the balloons, they're doing their best to develop a compromise that will end Tommy's suffering. At press time, they were debating between a Transformer or a Ninja Turtle action figure.

BREAKING NEWS: Tommy's balloons have been spotted in Manitoba, Canada. They appear to have become entangled in a moose's antlers. The moose is currently being ostracized by it's herd.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Obesity Epidemic Reaches Wonderland



While they may not be able to super size their meals and can keep active playing hedgehog croquet, it seems that even the inhabitants of Wonderland can't keep off those extra pounds.

The Drought is OVER!!



Now hear this! I got plowed! Hurray!

And if you think announcing it on the internet is tacky, you should've been in my head while I was brushing my teeth in the men's bathroom at work today and realized you can see the new nipple piercing right through my shirt.

I'm a classy lady!

Bring on that promotion!!

And more sex!!!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Headline: 2050 Bush's Legacy Leaves Slime Trail



43 years after the Bush Junior Presidency dropped all pretense of social justice by commuting intelligence snitch Louis "Scooter" Libby's jail sentence to a simple fine, America is still suffering the repercussions. A succession of presidents have flaunted their ability to do whatever they want, whenever they want with only the statement "Bush did it" do back up their actions. One example is the infamous Crackhead Island debacle in 2015 where 1st term President Arnold Schwartzenegger (whose election was possible through a constitutional amendement made by Bush on his final day in office) commuted the life sentence of one time Academy Award nominee turned crack dealer Tom Cruise and instead gave him an island off the coast of Florida on which to detox and "regain a foothold on his Hollywood career." The most recent scandal occured when the Presidential Twins Jenna and Barbara (whose double election was also made possible through an amendment by their father...and a lackluster showing at the voting polls 2 years ago) decided to invade France during fashion week in order to be the first on Pennsylvania avenue to sport "those cute little Prada bags."

A memeorial will be held at a yet to be determined time and location for our nation's dignity.

(Sorry to get all political, but the spirit moved me -- M)

Monday, July 02, 2007

Woo Hoo!




A local 7-11 (the one on Denny by Fisher Plaza I think)is all decked up in Simpson-abilia in anticipation of the movie which opens on the 27th.

I think I'm getting old, cause I really should be SOOOO much more excited about this than I am. Maybe I'm just holding back cause if I was truly honest with my feelings, my head would explode.

Yup, that's it.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Happy Halloween!



Got sucked into Robot Chicken by the roomie tonight, which inspired me to track down these little gems.



It's weird when you think that both of these comics have run their course.

Remember the scandal in the early 90's when For Better or For Worse had a gay teenager come out. Woohoo progress.

Kind of...

This PSA brought to you by that top you brought home last weekend



Truer words were never spoken.

On another note, did anyone hear about the guy who crapped his pants on the dancefloor at the Saturday night EMP Pride party?

Now I was a mess myself, but seriously...